Click to read more...(haha yep, I typed that myself; it actually isn't part of the website)
Lately, I have just been really agitated. And I feel bad because it has caused me to lash out at my siblings, my parents, my peers, and even be grumpy towards my teachers when usually I'm not! This weekend I went to Bikram yoga (the hot sweaty one that detoxes you so much!) and I was having such a hard time staying present. I just had this unbearable internal itch gnawing at me. There was something in me that was unfinished and my thoughts were making it all muddier. The yoga helped a little, but my agitation mostly continued. I don't know why it has come about really, but I can trigger a couple things.
I always talk about giving ourselves space and time to breath, but I have hardly been doing that this year. With ACTs, grades, hard classes, clubs, and expectations it is hard not to be planning ahead, and not to be planning the next week, the next month even. Where I am from, people crave setting goals, planning out what is next, and it turns us all away from the only thing that is here. I don't want to sound like a broken record, but the busier I have been this year, the more I realize how difficult it has become to be present. The more we turn away from presence the more its affects diminish like a light fading at the end of a tunnel. We have to work at presence. We have to want it. But, not desire it in a selfish way. Just understand that it is an essential part of our being, of our species as a whole. Those who are the most productive in their lives (not necessarily financially successful either...) seem to hold themselves in this space the most. And when we learn to be able to balance our life's wants and our body's needs in this presence, we cultivate a natural restraint. A restraint to be able to hold back nasty emotions of guilt, anger, and jealousy. These emotions are all products of not being here.
I just knew that today was one of those days when I slept way too late and had to rush to school. My first test went frustratingly wrong and it made me crabby because I couldn't just let it go. I looked to others to scapegoat my anger when really it was all coming from me. This brings up the theme of responsibility. There is only so much others can do to help us thrive as human beings. Ultimately, it is up to us to decide if we want to take the initiative and be the best people we can be (and I am not trying to sound like a self-help speaker...). In saying that though, when people reach out, it can really make a difference too. All I needed today was a smile from a substitute teacher, the relaxed way he spoke about our agenda, and I thought, "This guy isn't stressed out like me and we are living the same day. How come his day is going so much better than mine?" Perspective. It is all perspective. So I let go of the stress that was knotted in me today and decided to turn my day around. Just because one thing happened earlier on, doesn't mean it determines my life now.
So in doing this, I listened to myself. I went on a long walk through the 30 degree air. Sure, it was cold and my cheeks burned, but uncomfortableness is good. We live in a world where we are comforted too much from the savageness of nature. We get a warm bed, warm food, fuzzy clothing, a TV...etc. Learning to live with a little pain is healthy in my book.
Then I ate a wholesome delicious meal with my family (home-cooked by my grandmother who is a fabulous chef!) and enjoyed my family's presence just because. Maybe the conversation wasn't relevant, but the energy was what I needed to feel better. Sometimes we need other people's energy to remind us that we should lighten up a bit.
And since I worked my butt off last week and really have been doing so for the past few months, I am taking a complete chill day tonight and only doing what I want: no work, drinking some tea, updating the blog (!), meditating, and getting to bed nice and early. I sometimes wish every day could be like this, but then I don't, because I realize that the rarity of these days makes them all the more precious.
On a last note, I just want to say that we shouldn't decide our emotions just because of someone else's actions. If they want to be a mope, that is their prerogative, but don't succumb to their martyrdom and don't be a guilt catcher. THAT is unhealthy-- being both the guilt thrower and the catcher. Unpleasant events are always going to happen, but adopting that "poor me" syndrome isn't going to get us any sympathy from the Universe. In fact, it usually makes everyone involved feel crappier. And once again, hanging on to an unpleasant event isn't being HERE, it isn't enjoying the amazingness we all have in our lives right now (which we have plenty of, I'm sure!).
So on that note, have a wonderful rest of your week. And take a relax day. We all deserve one. Forget about the schedule as hard as it is (for me too!) and just enjoy presence.